Dearest Readers,
Things took a significant step forward this week. As you may have guessed from previous posts, without my explicitly stating it to my recollection, I have been separated from my wife for some time. After many false starts at reconciliation, this week I hired a lawyer and am filing for divorce.
I suppose at this point, that I should feel melancholy or angry or empty or...something, but in truth, I don't. This week has seemed really anticlimactic in that regard after years of emotional careening off a cliff. After all the nights of pulling out my hair and beating myself up over something for which I wasn't near totally responsible, feels just like what it is: paperwork.
Truly, the process this week has resembled nothing more than filling out an expense report. I guess at some point the emotion of what's happening and what's occurred over the last several years will catch up to me, but for now all I know is that this is necessary for me to be at peace. Getting tired of chasing after something and suddenly realizing you don't want it sounds like sour grapes, but it's been my satori or eureka or whatever you want to call it. The sudden awakening to that thing you've been seeking. You may not have even understood what you were looking for, just that you were searching for something.
I've been looking for a level of internal peace and this is, I think, a major step in that direction. This chaos has lingered over my shoulder for a long time. How could I ever have peace when such a major part of my life has been unresolved? I couldn't. That's why this had to happen.
I don't know how this will shake out, but I am going to work to make it as smooth a process as possible. Change is inevitable dearest readers. We can fight it and drive ourselves into madness (which is what I did for several years) or we can embrace it and see what happens next (which I've chosen to do now).
As always,
Your humblest of servants
BKoM
Things took a significant step forward this week. As you may have guessed from previous posts, without my explicitly stating it to my recollection, I have been separated from my wife for some time. After many false starts at reconciliation, this week I hired a lawyer and am filing for divorce.
I suppose at this point, that I should feel melancholy or angry or empty or...something, but in truth, I don't. This week has seemed really anticlimactic in that regard after years of emotional careening off a cliff. After all the nights of pulling out my hair and beating myself up over something for which I wasn't near totally responsible, feels just like what it is: paperwork.
Truly, the process this week has resembled nothing more than filling out an expense report. I guess at some point the emotion of what's happening and what's occurred over the last several years will catch up to me, but for now all I know is that this is necessary for me to be at peace. Getting tired of chasing after something and suddenly realizing you don't want it sounds like sour grapes, but it's been my satori or eureka or whatever you want to call it. The sudden awakening to that thing you've been seeking. You may not have even understood what you were looking for, just that you were searching for something.
I've been looking for a level of internal peace and this is, I think, a major step in that direction. This chaos has lingered over my shoulder for a long time. How could I ever have peace when such a major part of my life has been unresolved? I couldn't. That's why this had to happen.
I don't know how this will shake out, but I am going to work to make it as smooth a process as possible. Change is inevitable dearest readers. We can fight it and drive ourselves into madness (which is what I did for several years) or we can embrace it and see what happens next (which I've chosen to do now).
As always,
Your humblest of servants
BKoM
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