Dearest reader,
I know it's been some time but things have taken an odd turn and I'm not sure how else to talk about it other than to write about it. I've tried talking and it just never comes out right, but I always seem to express thoughts and feelings in writing in a way that at least make sense to me and that's honestly all I'm trying to do right now.
If you know me or have read this blog at any point, you probably know that as the BKoM, there was once a BQoM as well. That didn't work out in a way that I never expected that led to an extended separation, several attempts at reconciliation and ultimately divorce. I reached very low points during that time and it took years to rebuild my confidence and my life and to stop blaming myself for someone else's choices.
After the divorce was finalized, BQ had a lot of animosity towards me. Apparently, I was responsible for taking care of her while no longer married to her and she was living with another man. Hunh, who knew that was the case? News to me. It disrupted my ability to move on, impacted my attempts at new relationships and generally fucked with my head in a way that now seems borderline cruel. We stopped talking or corresponding for over 2 years.
About 4 years ago she sent me an email telling me she had just gotten out of the hospital a couple of months prior. She had fallen very ill to the point she went into a coma for 2 weeks. She was in physical therapy and so much more. I was shocked about the news, but not surprised that no one had contacted me.
Over the next couple of years she would email me to alternately berate me and try to mend fences. I'll admit that I didn't take the berating emails well and likely said things that one could never take back, but I always accepted olive branches in kind.
We would exchange emails (she wouldn't give me a number to call or text and wouldn't meet) over the last 12 or 15 months. They became more frequent and amicable. Around June she quit replying and I figured it was radio silence for awhile which was par for our communications.
Last month I found out she died of liver failure as a result of her prior condition. She had been struggling for years and didn't tell me. She hid it from me. I know she did it to "spare me" in some way or didn't want me to see her as she was then compared to when I remembered her from when she was my Queen but the news rocked me to my core.
I found out via email from her partner. The reason for the separation, divorce, etc. He stayed with her all this time through all of her issues. He truly loved her. I don't forgive what happened and yet in a time when he was hurting, he took a bold step to reach out to me and let me know what happened.
BQoM had been holding a box of my stuff that had only sentimental value to me for years. I guess that was her tether to me. Who knows? He told me she asked him to give it back to me so a couple of weeks ago we met in a parking lot and he gave me back my memory tokens. He's not a bad guy, but I'll never forget his role in upsetting and upending my life. Still, there's a part of my hurt I saw in him that makes me feel sympathy.
There were things in the box I didn't understand at first. Clutch bags, wallets, stuff like that. To be frank, I wasn't sure if it was an accident or some hidden meaning that those things were in there. The other night I started opening them up. Her wallet had a love note I remember writing to her and leaving in her purse before I left town on a business trip. Her student ID from college where we first met in another. Some of our wedding photos were in one of the bags.
I'm still struggling to reconcile all of this, but I know based on my confused, hurt and deeply saddened reaction that I wish she was still here. Even if only for 5 minutes to talk to her, or one more email. There's more I want to say, but to be honest, I'm kind of cathartic-ted out at this point. So I'll say good night dearest reader in order to collect my thoughts on an appropriate farewell to her.
As always,
Your humblest of servants,
BKoM
I know it's been some time but things have taken an odd turn and I'm not sure how else to talk about it other than to write about it. I've tried talking and it just never comes out right, but I always seem to express thoughts and feelings in writing in a way that at least make sense to me and that's honestly all I'm trying to do right now.
If you know me or have read this blog at any point, you probably know that as the BKoM, there was once a BQoM as well. That didn't work out in a way that I never expected that led to an extended separation, several attempts at reconciliation and ultimately divorce. I reached very low points during that time and it took years to rebuild my confidence and my life and to stop blaming myself for someone else's choices.
After the divorce was finalized, BQ had a lot of animosity towards me. Apparently, I was responsible for taking care of her while no longer married to her and she was living with another man. Hunh, who knew that was the case? News to me. It disrupted my ability to move on, impacted my attempts at new relationships and generally fucked with my head in a way that now seems borderline cruel. We stopped talking or corresponding for over 2 years.
About 4 years ago she sent me an email telling me she had just gotten out of the hospital a couple of months prior. She had fallen very ill to the point she went into a coma for 2 weeks. She was in physical therapy and so much more. I was shocked about the news, but not surprised that no one had contacted me.
Over the next couple of years she would email me to alternately berate me and try to mend fences. I'll admit that I didn't take the berating emails well and likely said things that one could never take back, but I always accepted olive branches in kind.
We would exchange emails (she wouldn't give me a number to call or text and wouldn't meet) over the last 12 or 15 months. They became more frequent and amicable. Around June she quit replying and I figured it was radio silence for awhile which was par for our communications.
Last month I found out she died of liver failure as a result of her prior condition. She had been struggling for years and didn't tell me. She hid it from me. I know she did it to "spare me" in some way or didn't want me to see her as she was then compared to when I remembered her from when she was my Queen but the news rocked me to my core.
I found out via email from her partner. The reason for the separation, divorce, etc. He stayed with her all this time through all of her issues. He truly loved her. I don't forgive what happened and yet in a time when he was hurting, he took a bold step to reach out to me and let me know what happened.
BQoM had been holding a box of my stuff that had only sentimental value to me for years. I guess that was her tether to me. Who knows? He told me she asked him to give it back to me so a couple of weeks ago we met in a parking lot and he gave me back my memory tokens. He's not a bad guy, but I'll never forget his role in upsetting and upending my life. Still, there's a part of my hurt I saw in him that makes me feel sympathy.
There were things in the box I didn't understand at first. Clutch bags, wallets, stuff like that. To be frank, I wasn't sure if it was an accident or some hidden meaning that those things were in there. The other night I started opening them up. Her wallet had a love note I remember writing to her and leaving in her purse before I left town on a business trip. Her student ID from college where we first met in another. Some of our wedding photos were in one of the bags.
I'm still struggling to reconcile all of this, but I know based on my confused, hurt and deeply saddened reaction that I wish she was still here. Even if only for 5 minutes to talk to her, or one more email. There's more I want to say, but to be honest, I'm kind of cathartic-ted out at this point. So I'll say good night dearest reader in order to collect my thoughts on an appropriate farewell to her.
As always,
Your humblest of servants,
BKoM
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